You know those moments that make you think that it's foolish to hope? Those times when you think that if one more thing doesn't go right you are going to crack? Well, this past week was full of those. Those moments when your heart feels like it's literally breaking. Those times when don't think you can weep anymore.
"It's NOT fair!" I actually said that this week. As if it were fair that any of the these kids suffer. It's so hard to reconcile my knowledge of my loving Father in heaven, El Roi - My God Who Sees Me; El Hakkavod - The God of Glory; El malei Rachamim - All Merciful God; with the fact that my child is suffering. And, according to the doctors on her team, she will continue to suffer.
This week Shannon was connected to oxygen and having a very hard time breathing. Her swelling is so bad post blood transfusion that she put on a 1lb of water weight and her skin is pulled so tight that it glistens. She cried whenever she was awake. She has had 5 IV's in the last 4 days and her arms and hands look like balloon's. And it was in the thick of this that her doctor's said, "Well it's going to get worse. Compared to what she will look like, this is actually good." What?!!??! Are you serious?!!? That's what they have to say. They are leaving her in this condition because it's only going to get worse and they need to save all their intervention for the "worst of it". What is the worst of it?...Chemotherapy.
Chemotherapy is ugly. It's big. It's bad. It destroys. It devours. It wipes out whatever it touches. There isn't anything pretty about it. The 13 year old girl next door to Shannon will have a year of it. She just had her birthday on Saturday. I took my daughter Teagan in to deliver her birthday presents. She hurts. She knows why. But how do you explain this to a 2 month old baby? But, then again, understanding sure doesn't help our sweet Sara next door. Either way it sucks. Period.
I was listening today to a song called King of Glory. The song says, "King of Glory, Have your Glory. King of Glory, Have your Glory Lord." Each moment I hope that He will have His glory with Shannon. That He will touch her body or breathe over her body and create in her a new healthy life. I ache at the thought of watching her go through chemo. Watching her go through the next 72 hours of more IV's, a PICC line surgery, blood draws, and another Central Line chest surgery. Then it's on to chemo a time which I am told Shannon will experience the worst skin breakdown diaper rash from cells exiting her body through waste, nausea, vomiting, mouth sores like ulcers, open sores and skin shedding down her throat and throughout her intestines, water retention and severe swelling, pain, and as the doctors said, "You will watch her deteriorate before your eyes."
So like I said, it's hard to reconcile our awesome generous merciful God with suffering, but that is my weak human nature. Even in all this and through all this I know one very clear and perfect truth. Our God is a God of goodness, compassion, mercy and power. He has never left us. He has never left Shannon. He isn't doing this to Shannon or to us. He has never forsaken us. He is Immanuel, God with Us, and He WILL have His glory.
Soon. Some day very soon. We will have a big party and celebrate Shannon's coming home. I can't wait. Pray with us that chemo is not what "they" expect. Pray with us that we can be a light in a dark place. Praise the Lord with us because He is Good All the time. He promises. :)
No comments:
Post a Comment